Accepting Adoption: We’re Not There YetNovember is National Adoption Awareness Month, a time to celebrate the many definitions of family. As of the 2000 Census, the U.S. alone was home to more than 1.5 million kids who were adopted, or 2 percent of all children. Five million adopted people live in the U.S. today (more than 100,000 each year). A reported 60 percent of Americans have personal experience with adoption. And almost 95 percent of Americans view adoption favorably.
Those are positive trends, although as an adoptive parent, I do have to wonder about the 5 percent who do not view adoption favorably. For all the progress, old perceptions, stereotypes and myths die hard:
Myth #1: Women who allow their children to be adopted do not love them.
In most cases, a woman who makes an adoption plan in recognition of the fact that she cannot raise her child (for whatever reason and there are many), does so out of love and selflessness. This is the hardest decision a woman (and her partner if she has one) will ever have to make—most do not do so lightly.
Myth #2: Adoption is a “second-best” way to make a family, and is a last resort for infertile couples.
While it’s true that many infertile couples turn to adoption after unsuccessful attempts at becoming pregnant, people who parent adopted children do not consider it a lesser experience. And many people choose adoption first for philosophical reasons (the case with my husband and me); because they are single, gay or lesbian; or because they desire to add to their biological families through adoption.
Myth #3: Adopted children have many emotional and psychological problems.
Studies have shown that adopted children suffer from these types of problems at the same rates as their non-adopted peers. Adoption does bring with it some unique challenges, but much depends on the child and how he/she is parented.
Myth #4: Parents of adopted children don’t love them as much as biological parents love theirs.
This one is just plain silly. Love comes from the heart and the nature of a relationship, not biology. I would argue that given my daughter’s circumstances (she was abandoned in China as an infant), I love and protect her with a mama bear ferocity rivaling =any biological mother’s.
The fact that a child is adopted is often mentioned for no good reason (Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s children are almost always referred to as adopted, as compared to Cruise’s biological child, Suri, and Kidman’s biological daughter, Sunday, who are never differentiated in this manner). The recent movie, “Orphan,” was distressing to many adoptive families as it reinforced the notion that adopted children are different from other kids and prone to extreme psychological problems.
And if the child is from another culture, well that just adds another layer of complexity. Just ask my daughter. She suffers regularly from the cruel and racist comments of her schoolmates. Now that she’s in middle school, the barbs have become sharper and more hurtful. Eye pulling. Gibberish meant to sound Chinese. Rude and personal questions. Because parental involvement is limited in middle school, many of the kids don’t know my daughter was adopted. But if they find out, then she hears those comments too (“That’s so sad that you were adopted.” “Do you know who your REAL parents are?”)
The good news is that the adoption stigma is diminishing. Adoption is out in the open now, compared to a generation ago when many children weren’t even told they had been adopted (truly hard to imagine). Thanks to all the people who have formed their families through adoption—and celebrities such as the Jolie-Pitts, Katherine Heigl and Madonna—much more is said and written about adoption than ever before. Our culture and media reflect this trend with commercials and TV shows positively portraying adoptive families (the new ABC show, “Modern Family,” humorously depicts a gay couple who have just returned from Vietnam with their baby daughter).
Let’s hope National Adoption Awareness month will help to shine a light on the many ways families can be formed. Let’s open our hearts and minds to the ever-changing concept of family. As our world becomes smaller and more diverse, maybe one day the myths and stigma surrounding adoption will be gone for good.
