Eden's Garden

Self Esteem

I am a strong woman. I am trying to raise my daughter to be a strong woman too. She is a sweet, compassionate girl. But she does not like confrontation and will put up with things she shouldn't to avoid it. For instance, someone she knows constantly comments on everything about my daughter. Negatively comments, that is. What she looks like. What she eats. Her academic abilities. Her musical abilities. This person is not a bad person. She just has some really bad habits and no internal editor. She just says whatever silly thing comes into her mind. But Eden, who says she doesn't want to be "mean," rarely challenges this girl. She usually just takes it. Eden tends to do the same whenever someone makes an unkind anti-Chinese remark. So, I told Eden that standing up for yourself doesn't translate into being mean. I suggested that she let this person know that her comments are unacceptable and that she needs to stop. And that if it continues, she should tell this girl that she can't be friends with someone who feels it's OK to constantly insult her.

I have to be careful because I know some of this comes with Eden's age. She's about to turn 13. Girls tend to become underconfident when they hit their teens. It's painful to watch. And while I do remember being her age, it's quite possible I was reluctant to take people on at that age (and I certainly got my share of abuse from school mates). So it's a balancing act between counseling Eden to stand up for herself, and respecting her (lovely) personality, which is quite different from mine. I know for sure, though, that I nver want her to be on the receiving end of any kind of abuse—whether it's from a girlfriend or a boy she might be dating. So I will continue to work with Eden on non-confrontational ways for her to assert herself.

Death of a parent

Death is part of life. We all know that's true. When my dad died, 5 years ago, it was devastating. It was so hard to watch his decline as cancer stole his body and his mind. I felt particularly bad for Eden because she was only 6 at the time and saw/heard a lot of stuff she shouldn't have been exposed to, including being present when my dad took his last breath. I was so on edge the entire time my dad was ill. I cried an ocean of tears. I spent the better part of a year driving to Pittsburgh and back (a 300 mile trip) with my brother. It was awful. But as horrible as it was, I was lucky in a way because I had my dad for 50 years.

My friend Harold's kids aren't so lucky. They lost their dad two weeks ago. He was 52. Both his kids had birthdays since he died. Alex turned 14 on Halloween and Emily just turned 16 today. Harold did everything he could, and I mean everything, to stay alive after his diagnosis two years ago with an incurable brain tumor. The past two years were unspeakably horrible for Harold, his wife Elinore and their kids. Roger and I went to Harold's life celebration yesterday. We learned a lot of things about Harold that we didn't know. There were many happy memories mixed with many painful ones detailing Harold's fight with an enemy disease that would eventually take his life.

My husband and I have been so shaken up by Harold's illness and death. On a lot of levels. On the level that he was a friend we loved and it was painful to watch his journey, knowing how it would end. Watching his stalwart wife struggle to be her husband's partner in his battle, while holding down a full-time job and taking care of their kids. And, naturally, ocassions like this force you to think about your own mortality. My daughter has older parents and I do worry about leaving her too early. And I stress that as older parents we don't do nearly enough to take care of ourselves. It makes me feel guilty to think about everything Harold did to stay alive (and I mean everything), and how little I do to keep myself in better health. I have to work on this. I want my daughter to have her parents around as long as possible. It's what she deserves.